Memory recall is not my strength, and memory tends to rearrange the furniture over time. That's why I'm posting my contemporary thoughts. Even in the "Traci log", unfortunately, there's a disappointing lack of 'show better than tell' details that obviously were fresh in my mind while writing the entries, but draw blanks now. It says in the e-journal I decided to give her a copy of the "Traci log". I don't know that I did, though - I think I may have left it in my pocket, just like I ended up not using the disposable camera I had brought with me. Or, maybe I gave her an edited version along with the rose. I don't remember.
The "Traci log" is posted here in its entirety - bad grammar, word choice, and spelling, spiteful jealousy and anger, and other unflattering insights about myself included. The exception is I'm redacting the names of persons who aren't already known from the learning curve. It's pathetic, embarassing stuff and in a more sober moment, I may decide the "Traci log" is too personal and take down the post, so read it while you can. Until then, enjoy:
November 17, 2000. 1:00 AM. K-16, Korea.
Traci is perfect. She is beautiful. 5’6 (a height in my love interests that seems to follow me) and healthily slim. Not skinny. She’s been an athlete. Long soft hair, good skin. Her eyes – wow. They are large and expressive; they’re soft. They shine. Her voice is soft. When I talk to her, I think girlfriend. I think I can listen to her for years. She has cute idiosyncrasies, in speech and in her behavior. She’s friendly and polite – that was my first impression (along with reserved). She’s smart. She gets it. She has often surprised me with ideas that are similar to mine. If I’m smart, then she has to be, too. She is caring. She is conscientious. She dresses neatly with good taste. She looks like a sophisticated young woman without being hard. She moves softly with some self-consciousness. She gives off an understated vulnerability, which can be a heavy attractant. She seems innocent and naïve, although she’s not. She is sensitive. She is concerned. She is humble. I don’t think she appreciates her own gifts, which I try to impress upon her. She is not presumptive. She questions. She has an extraordinary smile. Her eyes light up. Her face is lovely. She smiles easily. She is half Korean, but also half Chinese-American. She’s 21 year old. She’s left-handed.
The very first time we spoke, as I greeted her, after first day of ENG101, at the crosswalk between Main and South Post, I thought ‘this is the kind of girl I want as my girlfriend, but I’d never get her’. The first time we spent time together, at the bowling alley as she stopped me and said ‘hi’, I thought she was like me. She was polite and friendly, but reserved. I’m a loner but I can seem very sociable, so I thought “maybe”. I was amazed. Here was this incredibly attractive girl, who was spiking my senses, who I was intensely interested in, and she was like me? Was she alone and lonely, too? Had we found each other? People tell me that they think that I’m a great guy. Traci’s a great girl. Maybe, I thought, she’s the female equivalent of me. The idea seemed too good to trust, but it was so appealing. I was thinking we found each other.
I was wrong. Traci has such a strongly attractive aura, but that doesn’t mean she has the feeling I want her to have. She is a social person, unlike me, and she embraces all the social conventions of the Korean flinty insular group that I resent. I saw enough of them at Stuy, and they’ve always made me uncomfortable. She smokes a lot with them. She’s a different person and in another world with them, one that’s alien and threatening to me. She and I are something else together, when we’re alone with each other. She is something else with them. I’ll get into that.
I talk too much. I think, with Traci, a relationship may be something you slip into, not something you declare, like I did. If I was wiser, we could have slipped into one. I think too much, and I’m within myself too much, so I talk too much. My actions don’t nearly back up my words. Ideas threaten, and Traci is sensitive. As an attractive girl, she must be hardened in her defensiveness to amorous advances. I should have slipped in. But you know what? Yes, I talk too much with her, and I don’t like that because I’m not getting enough back from her when I dominate our time together. I talk too much because I can’t relax with her since we spend so little time together. I want to give her so much, and the little time she allows us is so precious to me. I’m scared, and I’m trying hard to be as good as I can be. I try to be my best with her, which hasn’t been necessarily helpful for me. She seems to warm up better to guys who are more imperfect than I am. Isn’t that a timeless truth? The lesser man always seems to get the girl. Yeats had that problem with Maude Gonne. She always went for the lesser man. I am a better man than ***, but she is so much more open and warmer to him than she is to me. She cares so much about him and he’s a punk. She becomes a punk-ette with her group. Am I just a little jealous?
Traci has her hard places within her. She treats me like shit now. It drives me nuts. I deserve her. That’s a strong statement, because I haven’t always thought I deserved someone as special as Traci. I deserve her. Read that over. Traci treats me like shit and I’m saying I deserve her? I know, I know. But I’m in love with her. I thought we would turn out completely different than we have. I was wild over leaving West Point when Traci and I first started seeing each other. My leaving West Point was my life. She made me feel that I could be happy with her, with who I am and that I didn’t need to fight. I could just be content living as I am – who I am was good enough for her. She seemed to offer a better, loving, easier way of life, where fighting was unnecessary. For Traci, I could give up the pain and tension in my life. What a promise. Instead, Traci has brought my fight with darkness back to me. I had hopes and fears. She has lived up to my fears.
Before Tim & Deborah - my failed and, in retrospect, pathetic gamble - the promise Traci held for my life in Korea as a friend was awesome. Her presence, her sympathy, her family. I’ve never had a large, loving family welcome me and I thought maybe the *** would. I could have had so much - the possibilities of a year with her and her family, as a friend, was the brightest prospect I’ve ever had, certainly one beyond any I could devise for myself. Her friendship was too valuable to gamble with, but I fell in love with her. What choice did I have then but to gamble? Looking back on my gamble, even with everything I lost by it, I don’t think I had a real choice. Traci is perfect. I would marry her if she felt the same way about me as I felt about her – I know that for a certainty. I would have fought for us to work. Still, the loss of her friendship was tremendous, and the price I’m still paying has exceeded the price I paid for Judy. I don’t regret my gamble, though. I don’t think I had a choice from the moment we talked after our first ENG101 class. I was attracted to her right away. The decision was made then, way before she stopped me in the bowling alley. I just didn’t know it yet.
I’m in love with Traci. How else can I put it? “I love her” doesn’t sound right. “I love” is more of an inherent truth, like I love my mom or my brother. “I love” is a deep strong bond that’s more of a Life state than a passionate feeling, like I have for Traci. I think a wife and husband can love each other, but young lovers are in love. Love versus passion? You can be both, maybe, but that’s a combination I can’t even imagine. Being in love is a burning sensitizing emotion. I’m in love with Traci. Looking at her stuns me. Hearing and listening to her stuns me. Being with her floods my mind, at least it did before I became cautious. Well, okay, being with her still floods my mind. I just haven’t been with her for so long.
Traci’s right that I haven’t seen all her faces. There’s the smart, sweet, and good face that I fell in love with. There’s the punk-ette face I see with her Korean friends. In that setting, *** rules and Traci follows him. Hm. I’ll think about that statement - it doesn’t seem quite right, either. There’s the stern face with her sisters. There’s the part of Traci that hurts me, and she is empathetic enough to know that she is hurting me, but that’s her face, too. There’s a part of her that tells people what to do, but it doesn’t come out when it’s just us. Is that part of her punk-ette face? I keep telling her, call me out when I make you uncomfortable, but she would rather go away. I don’t know about that part. There’s much about Traci I don’t know, and now, I don’t think I ever will. I wanted to learn everything about her. She didn’t let me.
I keep telling Traci, we can’t do – build - anything unless we spend time together. I can’t learn about her. We can’t grow our friendship. It seems, though, she would rather spend her time with other people. She’s more comfortable with other people than she is with me. She has been concerned with how I perceive her, not so much that I think well or badly of her, but that she is projecting intentions or an image that she is uncomfortable with.
My god, she is beautiful.
*** told me today to be a good husband. You know what? I will be a conscientious one. I know that. I will be a good husband and father. I’ll be a good boyfriend before that. Will I ever get to prove that to a deserving girl? I was ready to do everything for Traci. I’m still trying to live up that standard, for my love for her, if less for the girl who’s hurting me. I’m used to acting on fear, laziness and weakness. Those are my greatest obstacles to manhood. I’m trying to become a man and that can only be done by doing, not by talking. It’s hard but it’s the only way. Am I doing the right thing now with Traci by working to be there for her? I don’t know, but I’m doing it for my love for her. For what it’s worth, I’m doing my best. We’ll see. I’m holding up my end, at least. It’s Life and what I take with me.
Traci keeps telling me that she’ll try to be my friend. She said that she’d try after she unexpectedly split off from me after Tim & Deborah. She ignored me, but I met her outside the bowling alley. When we talked by the bowling alley, she said she’d be my friend. We talked again outside Gate 2, when she said she’d be my friend. We talked behind Dragon Hill Lodge, when she mostly said she’d be my friend. We talked on the phone at the beginning of the term and she said she’d be my friend. Each time, she seemed to make an initial effort but then split off again. She e-mailed me after the night at Gate 2, and again after we spoke on the phone at the beginning of this semester. She seemed to reach out for me a little. Now she treats me just like she did in the 2 months she ignored me. I was so afraid that she’d pull away again after I gave up what defense I had to help her, and now she has. Wow, it hurts. I know I’m not perfect, but I’ve tried to hold up my end and be there for her. So maybe she’s right. It’s not me. Traci keeps raising my hopes, deadly since I’m in love, and then she turns her back on me. When we’re together, I feel like we’re bonding, but then something happens when we’re apart and when she’s with her Korean friends. I’m very ready to get away from them and this whole damn mess. I see Rod’s point. Traci doesn’t have to be like them - I think she has so much more in her - but she chooses to be.
I e-mail her, and she ignores me. I ask her for things – her picture, her writings - and she ignores me. I ask her out. She says “yes” but then gives minimal effort to be there or just doesn’t show. She says we’ll be friends, but then ices me. Will we meet tomorrow? I don’t know. I really don’t. I hate that she pretends that the bad stuff doesn’t happen, since I make a special effort to be open and honest. She does the opposite – she hides and pretends. I’m so angry and hurt, but I keep myself with her, hurting myself, because I’m in love with her. She didn’t call me tonight. Why is she so soft to *** and so uncaring to me? I’m jealous, hurt and questioning myself. Don’t I deserve her? *** is a punk, yet she cares for him and not for me. I don’t know what to do.
It’s been a nightmare experience, almost a farce in its absurdly cliched progression. I was drawn out of the naïve cynicism I had and whatever protection it offered me. I opened myself to her completely. I made myself vulnerable. I trusted her. Before T&D, I couldn’t believe I had it so good with her – I thought Traci was dispelling all my cynical beliefs and reawakening a dream. She was late often when we met, but she came through each time, and I started to think I could become used to relying on her to come through. I refused to lose Traci because I was too cynical to accept her specialness. I wasn’t going to beat myself. I thought the worst that could happen was that Traci would turn me down and we’d still be friends. That’s how much I trusted her. But, no, it’s turned out badly. Strike Three, my worst case scenario, has been realized and then some. The cynical beast reigns and the devil’s laughing. Since Tim & Deborah, all my worst fears have come true. Taken away from the unbelievable dream-state and great prospect of what she’d add to my life, I’ve been dog-fighting and taking big hits. Since T&D, I’ve been fighting Traci herself to keep her in my life, and I know that’s a fight I can’t win. I don’t have a choice, and I’m being torn up. I have a dilemma now. I’m giving Traci my best, and she’s punishing me for it. How much more can I take before I turn to the dark side? The groundwork of cynicism was already laid in me before I met Traci, but I still had a thin hold on hope. I knew the risk of opening myself to a girl, and I was cautious with any relationship possibility. Now, to be hurt so bad by Traci seems to tell me that enough is enough. Is this a test? I gave up West Point when I hit my limit. How long can I hang in with Traci, especially when she’s the source of the hurt? What am I doing? What can I do?
Girls and other men. Why is it that every girl I desire choose, instead, to care for a man that disgusts me? Not Dora, really – I was too scared and insecure to try anything with her. Judy cared for ***, who was cold to her and hurt her. H gave herself to E the unapologetic asshole, even though he had rejected her already; she cut me from her life with no qualms. Traci has *** and ***, and who knows what other guys (Ha!). The trend: I am willing to give everything to Her yet I am the one who is thrown away thoughtlessly every time while I watch Her care for another man. I warned Traci what I was gambling for her, and it didn’t matter. Even my compromise was thrown away. The harder right is punished, and the devil’s laughing. I’m growing my own hard places.
I wanted to give Traci everything I am. I’ve been my best with her. I was ready to go all the way with her. I’ve done nothing wrong, I’ve tried for the best, and I’m being punished for it. I don’t understand. Is this journal my Traci log now? Why not.
November 19, 2000 Sunday 4:47 PM K-16
Why do I feel most jealous of ***? Because he’s an inoffensive guy and non-threatening to her. Most of all, she met him the same time she met me, yet they’ve spent much more time together than we have. She goes to meet him after work. When has she ever come to me? She feels they share a lot and can talk. They hang out. She feels comfortable with him and that they have a lot in common. She feels uncomfortable with me, and that she can’t relax. We do have a lot in common, actually, but those are the things she doesn’t like in herself and tries to avoid. She wants most to relax, and not to have to think, which I’m all about. The “drink” and “dance” bit. She has to think with me, but not with ***. She and *** helped him celebrate his birthday. On my birthday, Traci tried to avoid me. This is one of those cold truths that there’s no way to get around, to rearrange until it’s comfortable. She doesn’t want me; she prefers ***, she prefers *** – any guy but me.
If what she says is true – that being with me makes her uncomfortable – then that’s been true from the beginning. I opened up with her and have given her everything in me. That would explain why she hasn’t sought me out, why I’ve had to practically drag her out. She didn’t want to spend time with me.
I tried my best to uphold the compromise of being her friend as long as I didn’t have to hide my feelings for her. After T&D, I went to her with the compromise, even though the rejection still hurt. I was aware that we had a deadline with my DEROS, and I resolved to make the most of our limited time. My bottom-line was for Traci to be in my life, even if she didn’t feel for me as I did for her. The ball game for which she stood me up, and everything else I wanted us to do together, was for the compromise. I sacrificed my pride and my goals for us so I could be with her. Traci never met me halfway and she pulled away. Breaking the silence, working to help her keep her ENG294 phone pledge to me – I tried to keep her in my life. I did right by Traci, and I’m proud of that.
I’m in love with Traci. I’m more in love with her now after she opened up to me on Friday. She’s wrong. She is everything I think she is. She keeps proving it every precious minute I spend with her. She amazes me. It’s just that where I think hard now to prepare me for the next iteration of my life (this is my life now – it’s game starting on April 14th), she wants to relax and have fun. I’m trying to become selfish to take an active role in shaping my life. I’ve been trying to get what I want and for Traci to be who I want her to be. It’s time for me now to take care of her, though. If that means I need to remove myself from her life, I need to take care of her. That doesn’t mean I need to twist myself like I did for Judy (I hope), but I need to make her the priority.
We can be great together, but we’re in two different places in our lives. If *** and *** are what she needs in her life right now, then I have to be supportive of that.
If she’s coming to Maryland, then suddenly, we have possibilities beyond Korea. Or maybe we don’t. But that doesn’t change that I’m in love with her.
Nov 24, 2000
I worry. I’ve told her that my bottom-line is that I’m in love with her. It is, but there’s another bottom-line: Strike Three. Traci’s every action and pronouncement supports Strike Three. My hurt and anger support Strike Three. I’m alone in fighting for my love and it’s hard. I’m not that strong.
I see my life as a hard fight, a la Yeats, one that I can’t win. It’ll be filled with frustration and the grim acceptance that my views are in a severe minority. My every gain will be hard-earned and will disappear when I leave the fight. It’s the only way I have to live, unless I can find that anchor in the light - a truth - a special place that can be the origin of a better perspective. A dream embodied. Yeats fought 25 years to make Maude Gonne that anchor in the light and failed. Traci has everything to be that special woman for me. She could change my life and make it happy and successful. Everything in me says she’s right, she’s the one and that we should work. The reality has been all Strike Three, though. I’m taking this one to the bitter end, which means April 14th for now. But, what if she comes to the US? Will she become my Maude Gonne? Will I have a choice? How can I not fight for her when I have so much to gain if I succeed? Whoa.
Dec. 11, 2000
I gave her family my Christmas card. I really am exposed to the ugly side of her now. I didn’t believe her capable of it, but I see ugliness swirling into my vision of her. I think partly because I’ve been so forceful in my course, I’ve pushed Traci to react ugly. She doesn’t want to be the bad guy and I’m making her feel like one – so she’s angry with me. She has a sense of what’s comfortable for her, and I’m on another wavelength. I call her out. I’m honest, but I also try to be a good guy. She can’t deal with me on my terms, and I can’t get close to her compromise point – if she has a compromise point. Even now, I really don’t know that there was ever any place for me to go in her mind where we could compromise. I went as far for her in my compromise as I could. At the same time, I worked to preserve my love and the promise of her.
Remember *** in AIT? Half Korean, half white. Pretty girl, fresh and innocent seeming, a year younger than me – 20 to my 21. She would have been my dream girl in high school. After she reported me for a social action – after I did the honorable thing - I nudged myself into her life as much as I could. I was vindictive and I derived a bitter pleasure from the experience. With Traci, I feel only sorrow. It’s a thorough hurt and there’s no place in it for revenge. Traci embodied my best dream, the only one that really counts, and she turned into a nightmare.
What’s up with (half) Korean girls?
Realistically, I never had a chance with Traci. The thought of that hurts because it strikes at the foundation of who I am. She’s a better version of herself with me - I believe that. She’s more comfortable as the other Traci, though, and ultimately, it’s her choice. I wasn’t supposed to ever have to fight her. I thought Traci would put aside everything about me that fights - the fire that drives but also destroys. I thought she would bring light and peace to my life. The day I realized I had to fight to keep her, I also knew that I didn’t have a choice. But, right there, I lost. My dream was already dead, but I fought for it even so. All I did was draw out the inevitable, but, hey, I gave her everything I had, didn’t I? I fought the good fight. That’s cool in its own way. The stakes were real here, though. How could I have been so wrong about her? If I did my best, what happened? How could we have gone so wrong? I don’t understand.
There’s a lesson here that I don’t want to learn. I can tell myself what I could have done better, but then I remember how quickly she gave up on us the first time with T&D. How much did I have to fight to keep her in my life? Did I ever have a chance? How about her broken promises?
How about the experience with the yukata and the other gifts I brought from Japan? Remember how happy I was choosing those gifts? I feared the possibility of a negative reaction from Traci – I joked with Rod how she’d be disgusted that I would even think of giving her a gift. He said I was being too pessimistic and to have more faith. I even prepared a defense of my gifts that I hoped I wouldn’t have to use. My heart dropped when Traci reacted exactly as I feared, and I used my defense. I even spent 25 dollars on a taxi from the airport the day before, knowing full well how to take the subway, so I could see her as soon as I returned to Korea, but she wouldn’t have it. When I saw her on Saturday, she was at the bowling alley when she was supposed to be at home. As I mentioned before, she left me short to go to ***’s birthday. I fought to spend my birthday with her, and I didn’t get any gift from her. I gave myself a birthday present - that Saturday and (too many) hours into that Sunday just to be with her. I wanted to spend time with Traci so much, I was scared what would happen with us after I left, and I didn’t want to volunteer to leave her. I imposed myself on her to the point of nuisance. It’s sick, but that’s what passion can become when it’s desperate and twisted.
My jealousy. My anger. My frustration. My cynicism. I was at Strike Two when we met and I put everything on the line for her. I warned her. I gave her a speech early on informing her of my weaknesses. In my way, I told her that I needed her to take care of me because I was exposing my vulnerabilities to her. I took the chance - I fell in love with her.
*** called me a mother’s dream Significant Other for their daughters. A curse upon me, huh? I can’t put myself on the line like this anymore. Okay. I can do it one more time if I believe this rationalization. H isn’t really a strike because I wasn’t emotionally invested in her … too much. She was just a blatant case-in-point, so I’m really still on Strike Two. Judy and Traci are my strikes. For everything I did for them, neither fought for me. Judy actually did more for me than Traci has, although Traci allowed me to open up to her much more. Fooled me, didn’t it? I’ve seen women dig deep for other guys, and that doesn’t happen for me. I’m 24, almost 25, and I’ve never had a girlfriend. I think that to keep a woman in my life I need to be perfect, which is impossible. I am far from perfect, and even as I strive for perfection for a woman, my room for error continually decreases. I’ve been shocked at how quickly I’ve been abandoned by my love interests, especially when I felt so keenly how much I fought for them. I felt betrayal. I relied on them and when I most needed them, they left me. For all my sacrifice and work, where’s my reward?
Anger. I feel anger. *** thanked me for the Christmas card. She knows. Traci and I have had chances. I stayed the course. Traci repeated her pattern, though, and we became uglier with each cycle. She doesn’t like to be pushed and I pushed her. Tough, Traci. Suck it up. You were weak and you lost a man with potential who would have been a better man for you and because of you. I needed her to be strong - she wasn’t. Will she still surprise me? No, I don’t even fantasize about it anymore. The possibility is a dim small light now. Personally, I’m in limbo now. West Point, then Traci. Hell of a sequence. Dropping out of West Point is still either a good decision that will work out for the best or the worst decision I ever made. What West Point taught me is that there are decisions and situations that are life-changers, the forks in the road, and I need to recognize them. I went after Traci maybe too hard. Still, what of the idea that if she was interested in me, we would have worked, no matter how many “mistakes” I made? Yeah.
December 15, 2000
My leave starts today. We exchanged Christmas cards. I gave Traci one via the *** family on Monday. The *** family gave me one via her and *** on Wednesday. There was a time when the card would have made me joyous, but she’s still icing me, she’s dismissed me from her life, and once again, she did something positive for me only after I pushed the concept onto her.
Fate. I’ve looked for trends / patterns that indicate I didn’t have a chance, but what about Fate? Romantics like to point out how Fate worked in their favor – how two lovers united only because so many factors came together for them to do so. Well, so many factors seemed to work for Traci and me, but one brutal sequence worked against us. And then, of course, her chain of thought on her own and with her comrades worked against us. There may have been a chance that first day of class of ENG102, but she wouldn’t come to me. I think I could have gone to her still that day, but not after that. Then, of course, the corrosive erosive cancerous intrusion of *** and *** was already in place. Traci made up her mind about us definitely after that, and their friendship burgeoned. I relied on her, not wanting to form the relationship in my own mind, and she failed me. She made her choice. I wonder, if I had held us together through that patch, though, would we have made it? We won’t play by each other’s rules, and she has different faces. The faces that I fell in love with are still there. What of next year, with her (maybe) at UMD at College Park and me (bigger maybe) at Columbia? Will Fate work with us then?
January 25, 2001. Thursday. 12:10 AM. K-16, Korea.
I’ve been hurt, and the wound is deep. With Judy, I still had my reserve – a cushion. I preserved myself in it. Traci and the absolute length I went in trying for her shattered that cushion. The foundation of my beliefs feels broken. I can’t even talk to girls with any romantic inclination right now. I harnessed everything I had for Traci, and the more I tried, the worse it became. I’m not sure how to describe what’s inside me now. There’s kind of a stunned emptiness where no emotion can take hold.
Where’s my naivete now? Where’s my faith?
A metaphor:
They marched grandly into battle, a beautiful army of hope and dreams. Rank after rank of young men charged, shattering on the iron flanks. They disappeared under that awful truth, their idealism no match for the cold reality. Still, they charged forward. Whatever was left of them left their faith upon the battlefield at the end of the day. The survivors resembled nothing of the army that had begun the day, their scarred bodies only empty husks of their former selves.
March 11, 2001. Sunday. 10:31 P.M. K-16, Korea.
How many more entries will I put in here? I see Traci on Saturday, well maybe. If she doesn’t opt out (read: stand me up) again, we will see each other. I’m going to give this journal to her, vague sentence structures and all. This is a rough-cut, but it’s honest. Am I too tough on *** (i.e., all the “punk” refs) in my earlier entries? Yeah, probably, but I am jealous, and she did say outright she chose her crew over me. So, fuck it. This isn’t about prudence and beauty (or grammar). This is about honesty and openness. A man fights for his place, and I’ve surrendered too much in my life. I gave up West Point. I surrendered Traci without much of a fight, didn’t I? Love is war, and I’m a soldier. I should know that in love only victory can be considered a success. I am not yet a warrior, but I will be, like my father before me, like my son someday will be. I’ve delayed myself long enough.
Saturday. I asked her out. That’s step one. What do I expect? No fairy tales. There’s nothing I can do to change the situation. I don’t expect Traci to do anything outside of the pattern she has set. I think our story has already been told. In other words, I don’t have hope for my dream to survive just because we’re seeing each other one more time. She’s made up her mind about us and put me into her past. I’m going to give her her Namsam tower water bottle, this journal, a flower and then ask for an explanation. I don’t know what else I can get from her. I feel sad.
Fact: I am in love with Traci. Fact: She would have changed my life to something more simple and beautiful. Seeing her on Saturday won’t change those opinions, or the hurt of her not loving me back. We would have been a great couple. Seeing her one last time is for myself, for pride, for the right thing and along the lines of maybe being a man someday. I need to trust my instincts more, if for no other reason than that I need to be more active in defining my life. I need to remind myself how good we felt, how right and simple we were, and how optimistic I was, before T&D. Traci and I have become ugly, but we weren’t always that way.
Right now, I’m afraid of e-mailing her because I think that she’ll cancel on me if I do. Isn’t that sad? Past experience, you know. No news is good news, but of course, she’s stood me up before, too. She can stand me up again.
You know what *** said to me recently? She said that I’d be a great father, because I’m so concerned. Nice of her, wasn’t it? I have so much potential in me, but I’m weak. I’m not perfect, maybe not even great, but I have enough gifts for one man, more than my fair share even. But, I need to be man enough to become worthy of my gifts. Lend me strength. I hoped Traci would be my strength. I see a pained lonely, dark, maybe dangerous path – a fight - if I go into my future alone. Things are looking ugly for me right now. I tested myself with Traci and found myself wanting. Traci would have given me light and comfort and happiness. I worry about myself. I know what happened at West Point. I know where I drew the hard line on my own limits, and I’m planning on putting everything I have into attacking that line. Just like I put everything I had into attacking my limits with Traci, right? Yeah, and I lost. More - I should have done more. I should have been better, smarter, stronger. But what else could I have done? I couldn’t afford to lose Traci, but I also couldn’t sell myself out for her. There was no easy way out, and I tried to compromise. The only good outcome was the one I gambled for, and when it fell away, when Traci couldn’t deal with my compromise, there was no way out for me. You know what? That’s a good lesson. That’s real life, not my dream version of it. I need to learn that lesson. I gambled, I lost, and I’m paying the price. Simple as that.
A man without scars is no man. Well, I have my scars, but I don’t have Traci. I lost her. In the end, all of my dreams and hopes of us came to so little. I have lessons to learn in what happened. I must learn how to fight. I’m in love and that’s special. My feelings for her is the positive I’ll take away with me.
I’m babbling and I’m sleepy. I’m not forgiving Traci. I’m in love with her, but I’m hurt, and there’s a debt. She can make up that debt to me if she wanted to. I’ll give her that open chance. If she wanted to. What happens with us now is completely up to her.
Why must Traci pretend? Is that a girl thing? Does she read my e-mail? Girls aren’t warriors. They’re more defenders, and they fight dirty. I’ve always hoped to get back what I gave to her. I thought that was the fair way, the right way. Hasn’t worked out. I don’t want to take or trick what I want from a girl, but is that the only way I can get what I want? Many men, and most women (by deed if not by word), answer “yes”. I ain’t talking about sex, either. I’m talking about love. Sang, in Korean terms. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
March 14, 2001. Wednesday. 12:10 AM. K-16, Korea.
I’ve checked my e-mail every night in fear that she has cancelled on me. I’m happy that she hasn’t, but she may not have just from a lack of any thought about me. She may cancel Friday, or she may just not show up.
I’m so looking forward to seeing Traci and just knowing that we’re with each other. A childish part of me leaps with joy at the prospect. I feel that way, even with the hurt and anger, and even though I know that the reality is that I’m saying good-bye. Yes, I still hope that we have a future, but I can’t do anything about it. Why am I doing this on March 17th, instead of, say, April 7th? Because I’m still hoping Traci will change her mind, and I’m giving her a month of me in Korea to act if she does. Hope can be pretty tough. Whether there is a ‘we’ in the future is up to her now. I could try to push her still, but it would be the wrong thing to do. I’ve shown her my heart, even the angry, dark side of it. Meeting her is dangerous for me. The only protection I have is an emotional scar and I’ve ripped it away for this last act. All I can think about right now is meeting her. What will happen to me when I’m actually with her? I’ll have to deal with that as it comes. I want to forgive her, but will she let me? Maybe in the States, but we’ll have different lives then.
I think that’s it for this mini-journal. Traci, I fell in love with you. I’m still in love. We could have been great. I’m going now, though. This part of my life is ending.
March 17, 2001
Well, that’s it. We met. We argued. It’s over.
08 APR 01
I bowled league last night. Traci is bowling in the Saturday league now - she didn’t know I’d be there. Interesting. She has a guy, a Filipino, with whom she was very soft and close. They held and stroked hands. She ignored me, of course. The pattern completed itself last night. Don’t tell me that stories aren’t told in life. This was too perfect – beginning to end – too many significant “accidents”. Why do I feel numb, almost resigned? I see *** tomorrow, she of the pretty eyes. Don’t take it out on her.
November 27, 2004 NYC
Traci called a man seeking a relationship a “court” (noun form, like a “run”). She told me she didn’t realize what I was doing with her was a “court”. Not a revelation. Just reading this journal and a memory came back of one of her particular words and an idiosyncrasy.
Eric
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